There’s nothing quite like watching your child struggle and feeling powerless to help. Especially when you’re used to being the person who sorts things out.
You manage a business, hold down a demanding job, make decisions and deal with challenges every day. But when it’s your own child, everything changes.
Perhaps they’re refusing to go to school, university or work. Perhaps they’ve withdrawn, become anxious, angry or increasingly difficult to live with. Or perhaps something that used to be perfectly straightforward has suddenly become an enormous problem.
You’ve tried talking.
You’ve tried reasoning.
You’ve encouraged, reassured and negotiated.
And still nothing changes.
Meanwhile, you’re juggling work, family responsibilities and the constant worry about what might happen next. And underneath it all is that dreadful feeling of helplessness.
You can see your child suffering. You’d do almost anything to make it better. But you haven’t the faintest idea what to do.
And Then Comes the Guilt…
“I can’t help wondering if it’s something I did.”
Was I too busy? Did I miss something? Should I have handled things differently?
And before long, you’re not only worrying about your child – you’re questioning yourself.
You become more anxious.
You lose confidence in your judgement.
You make allowances you wouldn’t normally make.
And you begin organising family life around avoiding whatever might cause distress.
All done with the very best intentions.
But gradually, the balance of family life changes.
The Needle of Authority moves on the dial… until the whole household becomes organised around what one person will or won’t do. And nobody is particularly happy.
But What If There’s a Very Good Reason for the Difficulty?
This is where I can offer parents real hope, because behaviour doesn’t happen in a vacuum.
When someone suddenly refuses to do something, becomes overwhelmed or reacts in a way that seems completely out of proportion, there’s always a reason that may have very little to do with what’s happening today.
Sometimes the present has simply triggered something from the past.
An earlier experience.
A frightening event.
A moment of humiliation or rejection.
A situation in which they felt powerless, unsafe or misunderstood.
It may have happened years ago. They may barely remember it. But at the time, their younger self made a decision about how to stay safe.
Perhaps:
• “It’s safer not to try.”
• “If I get something wrong, people will be disappointed in me.”
• “I mustn’t let anyone see me struggle.”
• “Nobody understands how I feel.”
• “I can’t and won’t do this.”
And here’s the important bit.
That decision made perfect sense at the time and has probably served them well for years. It was a way of protecting themselves with the understanding and resources they had at the time – but years later, the same protective response has become a limitation.
Something happening today reminds their system of that earlier experience, and the old fear, belief or emotional response is activated again. Suddenly, something that might otherwise be manageable becomes overwhelming. And neither the young person nor their parents understand why.
The Problem You Can See Isn’t Always the Problem You Need to Solve
A child refusing school isn’t necessarily a problem with school. A young adult avoiding university or work isn’t necessarily lacking motivation. And someone who becomes angry, withdrawn or distressed isn’t necessarily being deliberately difficult. Those are the outward signs.
The real issue may be the emotional response underneath. And that’s why repeatedly trying to change the behaviour can be so frustrating. You’re trying to solve the problem you can see, without knowing what’s driving it.
It’s rather like switching off a fire alarm without finding out what’s setting it off.
The alarm stops briefly, but the problem remains.
This Is Where I Come In
Parents aren’t expected to be detectives, therapists and emotional experts as well as everything else and often, the person themselves can’t explain what’s wrong. They simply know that something they want, or are expected, to do feels impossible.
My role is to help uncover the underlying emotional issues, fears and beliefs that may be creating the difficulty.
And then, using targeted therapeutic interventions, help resolve the emotional charge that may be keeping the old response alive.
This is not just talking therapy, it’s we’re working towards changing the response that’s making the problem so difficult. When that changes, things that once felt impossible begin to feel manageable again.
And the shift can be remarkably quick.
Of course, not every difficulty stems from an earlier trauma, and some situations may need practical changes or additional support. But situations that seemed hopeless can improve enormously once we understand what’s really going on.
And Parents Have an Important Part to Play
Resolving the underlying issue is one part of the process. The other is helping the young person move forward. And that’s a team effort.
Parents provide the leadership, encouragement, consistency and appropriate boundaries. Young people are supported as they make the changes. And together, we work towards getting life moving again.
There Is Hope. Even When You’ve Almost Given Up.
Today’s situation doesn’t have to become tomorrow’s future. The key is to stop fighting the symptoms and start looking for what’s underneath them.
Find the reason.
Resolve what’s getting in the way.
Look to the future.
That’s the thinking behind The Road to Unstoppable.
A collaborative approach that begins with parents, explores what’s really keeping the difficulty going, and helps the whole family move towards a happier, more confident future. Because however difficult things feel today, there’s every reason to explore what could be possible tomorrow.
Shall We Talk?
If your child is struggling with school, university, work or simply moving forward in life, and you’re feeling increasingly helpless, I’d love to hear from you.
The Road to Unstoppable begins with a conversation.
Get in touch and we can explore what’s happening and how I may be able to help.